"Today I went to see Rio... and rode her for something like the 8th time this year. She was good, as usual, but I felt kind of sad as I was lunging her.
Because she wasn't better.
Last year at this time, we were doing all the same things... she hasn't moved forward at all. In fact, last year she was just coming off a somewhat intense training period, and was that much more responsive and obedient. In this past year, all that has happened is that she has grown older - she turned 4 just 10 days ago. At this point in her life she could be doing anything I asked of her; I just haven't taken the time to ask her.
The thing is, this is exactly what has been staring me in the face for the past 2 days. This afternoon I was flipping through some old journals and it really hit me.
I am in the exact same place as I was a year ago.
I'm struggling with the same things, I'm trying to learn the same things, good grief, I even weigh the same! Only... looking at my journals from when I was 17, I can see when I was actually in a better place. Where I was listening to God's direction and stepping forward, even if it was by baby-steps, to do what He wanted me to do. When my time with Him was so much more real than it has been lately. When the only time I got serious was not when I wanted to write a serious blog-post.
At this point in my life I could be doing anything. There is nothing stopping me from doing anything for my God - except that I'm not walking beside Him. I'm not listening. My life, my mind, my heart, are filled with distractions, with things I spend my time on instead of spending it with Him. That is a sobering thought. Extremely so.
And I think I may finally have slowed down enough to stop and look at where I am. I don't like it. It's not who He has called me to be. It's now how I want to be the rest of my life."
And friends, I'm sorry for all this aggregating these past few weeks. All of my original thoughts are being poured --literally poured-- into other things at the moment and I've taken a more appreciative role on this little corner of the web. Never fear! I can't stay in this onlooker's position for long. You know me.